| We all know the grim statistics. Second marriages | | | | and frustrating to him/her. Your former marriage |
| are more likely to end in divorce than first | | | | and the pain you suffered at the death of your |
| marriages. Yet, social animals that we are, we | | | | partner is a part of who you are. Denying that |
| keep on remarrying anyway. But there is hope: | | | | and trying to erase it can only cause problems |
| there are unions that defy statistics and go on to | | | | down the road. |
| live happily ever after. | | | | When you're sad, say so. |
| We often think of second marriages as following | | | | Be open about dates that might trigger sad |
| a divorce. But what about situations when a | | | | memories. Even if you're doing well most days, |
| spouse has passed away? This presents its own | | | | birthdays and anniversaries can be tough, no |
| set of unique challenges. And, as in any challenging | | | | matter how much time has passed. Hiding the |
| situation, it pays to prepare yourself before you | | | | insight that the sad day is coloring your mood |
| jump in. Here are some important things to | | | | might make your current spouse think you're |
| remember if you're a widow or widower and are | | | | unhappy with him/her. Assumptions can be |
| considering marrying again: | | | | dangerous; if left unchecked, they can morph out |
| Allow yourself enough time to grieve. | | | | of control and prove more troublesome than the |
| A big mistake that many people make is that | | | | reality. Let your spouse know when a particular |
| they marry again too soon after their spouse | | | | day saddens you and that it's not a reflection of |
| passes away. Often the euphoria of a new | | | | your feelings about your current life with him/her. |
| relationship masks the pain and sorrow of their | | | | Not only can this help you cope with the day, but |
| loss, and they mistakenly think they're ready to | | | | your partner will benefit from the clarity and |
| start anew. Don't fall into this trap. | | | | straightforwardness. |
| Let yourself grieve for your late spouse. Because | | | | Don't compare. Seriously....don't compare! |
| this is so individual and so personal, there is no | | | | Although comparisons may be a natural human |
| hard-and-fast rule for how long the grieving | | | | way of putting things into perspective, never |
| process should take. But let yourself be alone for | | | | ever compare your late spouse with your current |
| a while before you emotionally commit to another | | | | spouse. Not outloud, anyway. It will only hurt the |
| partner. Listen to yourself and take your cues | | | | person you're married to now, and it will prevent |
| from that small, true voice inside you, instead of | | | | you from learning the unique things that your new |
| from well-intended but bumbling friends or | | | | relationship has to offer. |
| coworkers who think the best thing for you | | | | When you feel yourself making silent, internal |
| would be to launch into another relationship before | | | | comparisons, talk yourself out of them. It's been |
| your tears are dry. | | | | said that "All unhappiness arises from unfavorable |
| Prematurely committing will only mean that you | | | | comparisons." You can't be fully in the present if |
| don't really have all of yourself to commit with. It | | | | you're always leaning toward the past. And you |
| will backfire. Instead of saying "I do" too soon, | | | | can't see your current spouse as an individual if |
| wait. Mourn the love you've lost. Let yourself feel | | | | you're holding him/her up against the spouse you |
| the pain. Work through it with friends or family or | | | | lost. Even if your current spouse doesn't pick up |
| a professional. Don't rush into another romantic | | | | on it now, eventually s/he will sense your diluted |
| relationship before you've completed the stages | | | | vision of him/her and may perceive it as you |
| of grief. | | | | being unappreciative of who s/he is. |
| With that said, grieving isn't forgetting. It's not a | | | | Remember that yours is a very different situation |
| process where you just flip a switch and | | | | from a divorce, where the ex-partner is still |
| obliterate your deceased partner from your | | | | around to make mistakes and remind you of why |
| memory (you wouldn't want that, anyway). | | | | you wanted the divorce in the first place. Your |
| Although time and healing will help get you to the | | | | late husband/wife is frozen in time, alive in your |
| point where you again take joy in today, you'll | | | | memory and therefore often idealized in your |
| never totally and completely "get over" losing | | | | memory. It's natural to want to remember the |
| someone. Part of you may always miss that | | | | best qualities of the person you loved. However, |
| person. In time, that part may shrink or become | | | | when you use those memories as a point of |
| less needy or less overwhelming so that you can | | | | comparison for your current spouse, it's unfair to |
| fill yourself with new love, but that part needs to | | | | the man across from you who eats spaghetti |
| be acknowledged. | | | | with his fingers or the woman beside you in bed |
| Once you're remarried: | | | | who grinds her teeth and steals the covers all |
| Talk about your late spouse when appropriate. | | | | night. When you compare the idealized past to the |
| Think balance. You shouldn't spend every waking | | | | messy reality of today, today will lose. |
| moment discussing your late spouse with your | | | | But remember--the reality of today is reality in |
| current spouse. (Likewise, it's probably not the | | | | the truest sense. And you deserve to enjoy it |
| best idea to keep a picture of your late spouse | | | | and fulfill yourself in it, and--when you're ready--to |
| on the bedside table.) However, nor should you | | | | do so with a companion you love and trust. Don't |
| keep any mention of your late spouse from your | | | | squander your present by attempting the |
| new spouse. That would send the message that | | | | impossible feat of living in the past, by |
| you need to protect the memory of your late | | | | inadvertently turning your back on the partner |
| spouse from your current spouse. Keeping parts | | | | before you while you try to fit your new life into |
| of you hidden ultimately keeps your new partner | | | | the template of the past. |
| at arm's length, a stance that can prove confusing | | | | |