| We all know the grim statistics. Second marriages | | | | former marriage and the pain you suffered at the |
| are more likely to end in divorce than first | | | | death of your partner is a part of who you are. |
| marriages. Yet, social animals that we are, we | | | | Denying that and trying to erase it can only cause |
| keep on remarrying anyway. But there is hope: | | | | problems down the road. |
| there are unions that defy statistics and go on to | | | | When you’re sad, say so. |
| live happily ever after. | | | | Be open about dates that might trigger sad |
| We often think of second marriages as following | | | | memories. Even if you’re doing well most |
| a divorce. But what about situations when a | | | | days, birthdays and anniversaries can be tough, |
| spouse has passed away? This presents its own | | | | no matter how much time has passed. Hiding the |
| set of unique challenges. And, as in any challenging | | | | insight that the sad day is coloring your mood |
| situation, it pays to prepare yourself before you | | | | might make your current spouse think you’re |
| jump in. Here are some important things to | | | | unhappy with him/her. Assumptions can be |
| remember if you’re a widow or widower and | | | | dangerous; if left unchecked, they can morph out |
| are considering marrying again: | | | | of control and prove more troublesome than the |
| Allow yourself enough time to grieve. | | | | reality. Let your spouse know when a particular |
| A big mistake that many people make is that | | | | day saddens you and that it’s not a reflection |
| they marry again too soon after their spouse | | | | of your feelings about your current life with him |
| passes away. Often the euphoria of a new | | | | her. Not only can this help you cope with the day, |
| relationship masks the pain and sorrow of their | | | | but your partner will benefit from the clarity and |
| loss, and they mistakenly think they’re ready | | | | straightforwardness. |
| to start anew. Don’t fall into this trap. | | | | Don’t compare. Seriously….don’t |
| Let yourself grieve for your late spouse. Because | | | | compare! |
| this is so individual and so personal, there is no | | | | Although comparisons may be a natural human |
| hard-and-fast rule for how long the grieving | | | | way of putting things into perspective, never |
| process should take. But let yourself be alone for | | | | ever compare your late spouse with your current |
| a while before you emotionally commit to another | | | | spouse. Not outloud, anyway. It will only hurt the |
| partner. Listen to yourself and take your cues | | | | person you’re married to now, and it will |
| from that small, true voice inside you, instead of | | | | prevent you from learning the unique things that |
| from well-intended but bumbling friends or | | | | your new relationship has to offer. |
| coworkers who think the best thing for you | | | | When you feel yourself making silent, internal |
| would be to launch into another relationship before | | | | comparisons, talk yourself out of them. It’s |
| your tears are dry. | | | | been said that “All unhappiness arises from |
| Prematurely committing will only mean that you | | | | unfavorable comparisons.” You can’t be |
| don’t really have all of yourself to commit | | | | fully in the present if you’re always leaning |
| with. It will backfire. Instead of saying “I | | | | toward the past. And you can’t see your |
| do” too soon, wait. Mourn the love | | | | current spouse as an individual if you’re |
| you’ve lost. Let yourself feel the pain. Work | | | | holding him/her up against the spouse you lost. |
| through it with friends or family or a professional. | | | | Even if your current spouse doesn’t pick up |
| Don’t rush into another romantic relationship | | | | on it now, eventually s/he will sense your diluted |
| before you’ve completed the stages of grief. | | | | vision of him/her and may perceive it as you |
| With that said, grieving isn’t forgetting. | | | | being unappreciative of who s/he is. |
| It’s not a process where you just flip a | | | | Remember that yours is a very different situation |
| switch and obliterate your deceased partner from | | | | from a divorce, where the ex-partner is still |
| your memory (you wouldn’t want that, | | | | around to make mistakes and remind you of why |
| anyway). Although time and healing will help get | | | | you wanted the divorce in the first place. Your |
| you to the point where you again take joy in | | | | late husband/wife is frozen in time, alive in your |
| today, you’ll never totally and completely | | | | memory and therefore often idealized in your |
| “get over” losing someone. Part of you | | | | memory. It’s natural to want to remember |
| may always miss that person. In time, that part | | | | the best qualities of the person you loved. |
| may shrink or become less needy or less | | | | However, when you use those memories as a |
| overwhelming so that you can fill yourself with | | | | point of comparison for your current spouse, |
| new love, but that part needs to be | | | | it’s unfair to the man across from you who |
| acknowledged. | | | | eats spaghetti with his fingers or the woman |
| Once you’re remarried: | | | | beside you in bed who grinds her teeth and steals |
| Talk about your late spouse when appropriate. | | | | the covers all night. When you compare the |
| Think balance. You shouldn’t spend every | | | | idealized past to the messy reality of today, |
| waking moment discussing your late spouse with | | | | today will lose. |
| your current spouse. (Likewise, it’s probably | | | | But remember—the reality of today is reality in |
| not the best idea to keep a picture of your late | | | | the truest sense. And you deserve to enjoy it |
| spouse on the bedside table.) However, nor should | | | | and fulfill yourself in it, and—when you’re |
| you keep any mention of your late spouse from | | | | ready—to do so with a companion you love |
| your new spouse. That would send the message | | | | and trust. Don’t squander your present by |
| that you need to protect the memory of your | | | | attempting the impossible feat of living in the past, |
| late spouse from your current spouse. Keeping | | | | by inadvertently turning your back on the partner |
| parts of you hidden ultimately keeps your new | | | | before you while you try to fit your new life into |
| partner at arm’s length, a stance that can | | | | the template of the past. |
| prove confusing and frustrating to him/her. Your | | | | |