| Little children's concepts of death are amorphous | | | | statement like this is absolutely unconscionable. |
| at best. They may not understand what death | | | | The child has lost someone irreplaceable, but this |
| means or what the consequences may be for | | | | comment indicates that Mommies are simply |
| them. While they may grieve that Mommy has | | | | interchangeable parts-no more important than a |
| died, they may still expect her to show up for | | | | flashlight battery. |
| their birthday party. | | | | Of course, you'll want to avoid the obvious bad |
| If they're a little older and do understand that | | | | choices: "Daddy went to sleep," or "Mommy left." |
| Mommy or Daddy is not coming back, they may | | | | These efforts to evade the facts can leave you |
| have serious concerns about their own lives. "Who | | | | with a child who becomes frightened at bedtime, |
| will cook my dinner?" or "Who will watch me at | | | | abandons naps, and then becomes more anxious |
| gymnastics?" | | | | because of the lack of sleep. The second choice is |
| These questions don't mean that the child isn't in | | | | hurtful because the child continues to look for |
| grief; they represent his or her desire to find | | | | Mommy every day, and each time Mommy |
| some certainty in a world that suddenly has gone | | | | doesn't arrive, the child has to deal with a fresh |
| topsy-turvy. They are serious issues for children; | | | | grief. How is he or she supposed to heal in those |
| the questions should be answered as soon as | | | | circumstances? |
| possible to help them regain their balance. | | | | The best thing to do is to tell the truth. "Mommy |
| In an attempt to comfort the child, adults | | | | was very, very sick (or seriously injured). All the |
| sometimes say things that the child can easily | | | | doctors and nurses worked hard, but Mommy |
| misconstrue; efforts to be kind can backfire and | | | | was too sick (or she was too badly hurt) for |
| have serious repercussions. Here are some | | | | them to help her. She died. That means that she |
| "helpful comments" that are anything but: | | | | stopped breathing and her heart stopped beating |
| - "Mommy died because it was God's will." This is | | | | and she couldn't hear or see anything. We won't |
| the type of statement that can turn a child off | | | | see Mommy anymore, but you can remember |
| God for a long, long time. Why did God want my | | | | that she loved you with her whole heart and was |
| mommy to die and leave me? Did I do something | | | | so proud of you. We're all going to be lonely for |
| so bad that God took Mommy to punish me? Or | | | | Mommy, but I will look after you and take care |
| did Mommy do something wrong? | | | | of you. We can talk about Mommy anytime you |
| - "Daddy is much happier now because he's with | | | | want to because we all loved her. And I love |
| God." | | | | you." |
| Adults might understand this concept, but children | | | | Death is a tragedy for children as well as adults, |
| don' t. Children often believe that they are in | | | | but kids are resilient and tough. If they have the |
| some way responsible for the parent's death, and | | | | facts and a good deal of loving support, they |
| to tell them that Daddy's happier without them, | | | | eventually can surmount the sorrow and go on |
| even if he is with God, is downright cruel. | | | | with their lives. |
| - "Daddy will get you a new mommy soon." A | | | | |