| Over the years, I never needed to deal with | | | | day. I said I was sad and that I missed Chris. She |
| death very much in my family child care home. | | | | said, "I do too! I wish he would come back." All I |
| Grandparents would die but many lived far away, | | | | could say was "I do too!" |
| so the loss was not so profound to the children in | | | | Here are some ideas to help with this very |
| my group, who were ages 6 months to 6 years. | | | | emotional, human experience.o Be honest and use |
| Once a 3 year old handed me a dead bug. Not | | | | words such as "died" not "went to sleep." Children |
| really knowing what to say, I just said, "Maybe | | | | are very literal and they may fear going to sleep |
| he's asleep." The little boy looked up at me with | | | | because they may also die. Answer their question |
| only the seriousness a 3 year old can muster and | | | | honestly according to their age and stage of |
| said, "No, Lynnie, he's dead." It was then that I | | | | development.o Admit your feelings of grief. It lets |
| realized that children do know about death but we | | | | them know that grief is normal and that adults |
| must help them deal with this natural process. | | | | understand how they are feeling.o Talk about the |
| My adult nephew, Chris, had Muscular Dystrophy | | | | loved one to keep the memory alive for them. |
| and he lived with me for many years. He became | | | | Put up pictures, tell stories and look at picture |
| a very important part of my daycare children's | | | | albums. The love and memories never do go |
| lives. He would give them rides on his wheelchair, | | | | away, nor should they.o Try to keep routines as |
| read to them, play his music for them to dance | | | | consistent as possible.o Some children will regress |
| to and sneak candy to them when I wasn't | | | | during this time and care and understanding will |
| looking! Many of the parents said they chose my | | | | help. |
| program partly because they liked the fact that | | | | Children of different ages and stages understand |
| their child would have a relationship with a person | | | | death in different ways and need special |
| with a disability. One mother told me that her | | | | considerations. |
| family was at an amusement park one day and | | | | Infants to two year olds. They really do not have |
| someone, using a wheelchair, passed by. Most of | | | | a concept of death but they feel a profound loss |
| the children ran away from this man but her little | | | | upon the death of a parent. They can sense |
| boy ran up to him and said, "Hi! You have a | | | | feelings of grief in others and react to changes in |
| wheelchair just like my friend, Chris" | | | | routine and caregivers. Consistent routines and |
| Chris became ill and he died suddenly, in his sleep, | | | | loving caregivers will help ease anxiety. |
| one Saturday morning. I called all the parents and | | | | Two to six year olds. Children between the ages |
| told them that Chris had died. I closed my | | | | of two and six do not understand that death is |
| daycare on Monday so I could make funeral | | | | final. They think death is something temporary or |
| arrangements. It was only then that I realized I'd | | | | reversible. Many children this age don't seem |
| have to help the children understand this death | | | | affected by the death of a loved one because |
| while I was handling my own grief. | | | | they actually believe that the person will return. |
| I reopened my daycare on Tuesday, although | | | | They may feel that they did something to cause |
| many of my friends said I should take the week | | | | the death. It's important for parents to ask |
| off to grieve. I just felt it would help all of us to | | | | questions to determine feelings of responsibility |
| be together sooner. Tuesday morning, I sat in our | | | | and then to reassure the children that this is not |
| playroom and told the children that Chris died and | | | | true. |
| he would not come back. Then we went into | | | | Six to nine year olds. Around the age of six, most |
| Chris' empty bedroom, sat on the floor and talked | | | | children begin to understand that death is final, |
| about him some more. They kept asking where | | | | though this understanding is not complete. They |
| he was and I just said he died and he isn't coming | | | | may see death as something that happens only |
| back but we can remember him in many ways. I | | | | to old people or other people. Children may not be |
| played some of his favorite music and they | | | | able to accept the fact that death happens to |
| danced to it. Together we read a few of the | | | | everyone. |
| books that he had read to them. I even gave | | | | Nine to twelve year olds. Some children in this age |
| them some candy from his secret candy drawer! | | | | group may still feel responsible for the death. |
| They sat on his bed and in his wheelchair. They | | | | Their understanding is increasing and children in this |
| used to sit in his empty wheelchair when he was | | | | age range can probably handle most of the |
| in bed but never moved in it unless Chris moved | | | | information if given carefully. |
| around with them. The moving wheelchair was an | | | | Teens. By the time children reach the teenage |
| extension of Chris' body. I thought about how to | | | | years, they probably understand death as well as |
| make the change seem real so I began to push | | | | an adult. Even though they have this |
| them around the house in his chair. They had | | | | understanding, they still need lots of support from |
| never done that before so it was a signal that | | | | parents and loved ones. |
| things were different now. I also put some of his | | | | Books for Young Children and Parents about |
| shirts and hats in the dress up area and placed a | | | | Death and Dyingo The Dead Bird - Margaret Wise |
| picture of him among their pictures on our wall. | | | | Browno The Fall of Freddie the Leaf. |
| We also read several picture books about death | | | | LeoBuscagliao Nana Upstairs and Nana Downstairs. |
| during that time. The older children dictated stories | | | | Tomie de Paolao My Grandpa Died Today. Joan |
| and drew pictures of Chris. The families were | | | | Fasslero The Tenth Good Thing About Barney. |
| invited to Chris' memorial gathering and the | | | | Judith Viorsto Lip Lap's Wish. Jonathan London |
| children wrote messages to Chris, tied them to | | | | & Sylvia Longo Badger's Parting Gift. Susan |
| balloons and released them. | | | | Varleyo Love You Forever. Robert Munscho I |
| The younger children didn't understand the loss; | | | | Miss You: A First Look At Death Pat Thomaso |
| however, they did, however sense that | | | | When Dinosaurs Die: A Guide to Understanding |
| something was different and that I was grieving. | | | | Death (Dino Life Guides for Families) Laurie Krasny |
| One day, a one year old who was not usually | | | | Brown, Marc Browno 35 Ways to Help a Grieving |
| very cuddly, threw himself into my lap and | | | | Child (Guidebook Series) by Dougy Center for |
| hugged me as I sat on the floor missing Chris. He | | | | Grieving Childreno Help Me Say Goodbye: |
| seemed to know that I needed that hug. One | | | | Activities for Helping Kids Cope When a Special |
| six-year-old said matter-of-factly, "I guess we | | | | Person Dies by Janis Silvermano Sad Isn't Bad: A |
| won't be seeing Chris here anymore. Who's gonna | | | | Good-Grief Guidebook for Kids Dealing With Loss |
| take his place?" as he noted how the loss would | | | | (Elf-Help Books for Kids) by Michaelene Mundyo |
| affect us all. My 3-year-old niece, Chris' cousin and | | | | What on Earth Do You Do When Someone Dies? |
| Goddaughter, asked why I was teary-eyed one | | | | |