| When a loved one dies, initially it is very difficult to | | | | full time employee. Or, you may have to work |
| accept the loss and start the next chapter of life. | | | | part time in order to continue with a hobby or |
| Yet, the experience of millions of mourners tells | | | | membership in a club, or to stay in the apartment |
| us that is exactly what they had to do: Realize | | | | or home you are living in. |
| their old life is part of their personal history, and | | | | In any event, it will mean meeting new people and |
| life without the deceased loved one will be very | | | | doing new things in order to maintain your |
| different. | | | | standard of living. How will you spend your time? |
| The concept of a new life for many mourners is | | | | In volunteering? Going to school? Teaching? |
| repulsive because they think it heralds forgetting | | | | Supporting others? A host of other activities? |
| the loved one. Nothing could be further from the | | | | 4. All of the above means you will be establishing |
| truth. Others think a new life means starting over. | | | | a new identity. You are no longer the same |
| Again, not true. In essence, starting your new life | | | | person you were before your loss. Part of |
| specifically means coping with massive change. No | | | | restructuring your identity depends on how |
| one can resist change; it is the one relentless | | | | dependent you were on the deceased. |
| eternal force. | | | | Sometimes it takes great courage to create a |
| As many therapists say, What you resist | | | | new identity. |
| persists. That is, if you resist the changes | | | | How do we get a new identity? It is a long term |
| demanded by lossthe pain and anxiety will | | | | project that often means giving up old roles and |
| haunt you continuously as you attempt to live in | | | | taking on new ones, evaluating who you are (your |
| the past. Here are four reasons why it’s a | | | | identity beliefs) and who you want to become. It |
| new life after your loved one has died. And, to | | | | is structured on skills, relationships, new |
| accept it as a new life and to be open to learning, | | | | expectations and hopes, and the new behaviors |
| will help you immensely in adjusting to your great | | | | necessitated by your loss. We also define |
| loss. | | | | ourselves by who we hang out with and who we |
| 1. Remember, a major loss means that part of | | | | shun. |
| you has diedthat part that interacted with the | | | | Your new way of looking at the world, developing |
| person who died. You no longer have that | | | | goals and purposes, accepting the enormous |
| interaction, that part of your nurturing community. | | | | change, and telling yourself you are good, capable, |
| When you realize this, it can be very scary. You | | | | loveable, and can lovewill all be woven into |
| will have to find ways to integrate the time you | | | | your new identity. |
| used to spend with the beloved into a new | | | | So what can you do with the wisdom of the |
| setting, a new life. | | | | ages? The first step is to realize that your beliefs |
| 2. Nearly all major losses involve the development | | | | affect everything you do. Yes, everything. What |
| of new routines. It is natural to embrace the | | | | you believe about death, an afterlife, your loved |
| comfortable, predictable ways they we easily | | | | one, and your ability to deal with his/her loss |
| grow used to rather than face the unknown. | | | | drives your grief work. Then decide where you |
| However, one of the tasks of grieving is to adapt | | | | want to go in your new life. Do you want to |
| to the absence of the deceased. In so doing, we | | | | always be loss oriented or restoration oriented? |
| most often have to assume some of the | | | | Believe the inescapable--that loss changes us. |
| responsibilities the loved one had. | | | | There is little choice here. |
| A few examples: it may mean learning to fix | | | | Choose to believe it’s a new life. You will |
| things around the house, shop for one person, get | | | | always love the deceased. Talk to and keep him |
| used to an empty chair (or put it in another part | | | | her alive in your heart, family celebrations, |
| of the house), or eat alone at a new time. | | | | anniversaries, and memorials. But start your new |
| 3. Next, you may have to change your role, seek | | | | life, continue to grow and love. Trust grief and let |
| a career, or become an advocate for a specific | | | | it take its course, and reinvest your emotional |
| cause. You may have to be both a parent and a | | | | energy into your new life. |